The Guilt is Real and It’s a Struggle

Life has been busy lately. And crazy.  Crazy busy!

I’ve already mentioned all the changes the kids and I have been dealing with these past few weeks, but now we get to add a broken bone in there too. This leads me to the topic of mom guilt. Continue reading “The Guilt is Real and It’s a Struggle”

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Identity Crisis

I am me, now.

There is no me, yesterday. Me, tomorrow.

Only me, now. Who is me? Do I meet,

My eyes? Do I visualize,

Me, there? In the mirror, unclear.

I am me, now.

There is me, near. Am I in there? Do I fear,

Me? Can I face, me? I can’t hear,

Her.

I am only me, now.

 

Picture from: http://nubofthematter.blogspot.com/

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It’s A Process

Ahhh change.

Change is everywhere right now. The kids have started back to school. They’re in a new school district this year. We’re also in the process of moving this week. We are moving to a new county, new town. We’re also moving into an apartment and we have never lived in an apartment. Continue reading “It’s A Process”

The Ride That Never Ends

Don’t know what’s gotten into me

Feels like everyone’s against me, everyone’s an enemy

This can’t be meant to be.

Counting sheep, losing sleep

Can’t get up on my feet, trapped in a blanket of defeat

I’m beat.

Closing my eyes, the tears are dried

I let out my breath, releasing all that’s left

I’m filled with dread, all these words in my head

So much left unsaid.

All the things I can’t forget, surrounded with regret

Here we go again…

The ride that never ends.

Picture from:  http://theartofkatarinasilva.blogspot.com/2010/11/appreciating-pain-in-art.html

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Throw Away The Key/ Part Three

An open letter to an abusive parent I am ready to let go of.

To read Throw Away The Key/ Part One click here.

To read Throw Away The Key/ Part Two click here.

Dear Dad,

I’m writing to you, not to tell you that I still hate you, just to tell you how I feel. Things between us fell apart. Although, I’m not sure they ever were ‘together’ to begin with. I want to make it clear that I do not expect an appropriate, respectful response from you. I also want to make it clear that this letter is not intended to berate you, criticize you, or condemn you. This letter is for me.   Continue reading “Throw Away The Key/ Part Three”

Sometimes I Imagine…

… a life with only one of me. I’ve been living divided for so long. I don’t even know how many different me’s there are. It is as if every traumatic experience in life has ripped me apart to form a different version. As crazy as it sounds, it’s like my versions are contrasting. And it is confusing.

I’m sure most people have multiple versions of themselves, around different people, in different environments, etc. It seems to me that most people and all their versions coexist in harmony for the most part. The multiple versions of me coexist in chaos.

I’m doing my best to contain the chaos within myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone else with my indecisiveness and imbalance. It’s hard right now because I’m at war. I wonder how it would be to live at peace, with acceptance.

I wonder if I’m just chasing my own shadow.

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Picture From: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/540783867728733066/?lp=true

 

Feelin’ Some Type of Way

Tonight feels different. It’s not something I can adequately explain. It’s like a longing, but at the same time, a release. It’s like feeling homesick but having no idea where home is. It’s like a whisper floating through my energy, loud enough to be registered as a noise but quiet enough that I can’t quite make it out. It’s as if I am stuck at the same time as I am free-falling. This feeling is like finally finding answers that have been sought after for a long time only to discover those answers lead to more questions. It’s like Alice in Wonderland, falling down the rabbit hole and waking up some time later only to question what is actually reality. It’s a surreal sort of feeling, like knowing I am here and now, yet feeling as if I am misplaced.  It’s as if I am unable to decipher between the calm before the storm, the eye of the storm, and the destructive aftermath of the storm.

Perhaps this only means that I am the storm.

Picture From: http://artisttonigrote.blogspot.com/2011/04/

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