The pulse through my skin entices me
With each beat of my heart
The world blurs red
The burn snaps me back to reality
What is wrong with me?
There are no words to be said, no tears to be shed.
A black depth where my heart should be
Each blood beaded line calls to me
This is true apathy
Is there any way out for me?
Picture from: https://www.smashingmagazine.com/2009/03/30-beautiful-surreal-and-dark-art-pictures/
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When life is moving too fast, sometimes, letting off the gas is all the brakes you need. Progress is progress, no matter how slow. And sometimes, things get worse before they get better. It’s okay to end up taking steps backwards, as long as you keep pushing forwards anyways. Continue reading “A Long Time Coming”
Open Letter To An Abusive Parent
To read Throw Away The Key/ Part One, click here.
The following is a letter I had written to my dad when I was a teenager. I had put it in an envelope and sealed it with a stamp. Surprisingly this letter was never dated. I would approximate that I wrote it anywhere between ten and thirteen years ago. Also surprisingly, it is short and straight to the point.
I don’t know why I never gave it to him. Maybe I was afraid? Maybe now it is a key to letting go of the past? Continue reading “Throw Away The Key/ Part Two”
Sometimes it feels like my life is just one big fuck-up. Sometimes it feels like the voice in my head is against me. Sometimes I feel like there are two different people inside me.
Every month I transform into all the things I do not wish to be. I think all the thoughts I do not wish to think. I lose control of myself, seemingly. I’m trying to get ahead of this. I’m trying to move forward. I’m trying to let go of things. I’m trying to accept things as they are. Continue reading “Sometimes…”
But my dad was my first heartbeak instead.
My head has been all over the place recently as have my emotions. Part of the reason why is because I am once again thinking of my childhood. I thought I had reached a good point of moving past my younger years only to realize that I am far from it.
I have been thinking about my father lately. I am in denial, in a way. I tell myself it does not matter that he gives no effort to reconcile or be in my life but the truth is it does matter because it still hurts. Continue reading “They Say A Dad Is A Daughter’s First Love”
So, I haven’t written anything in a while. My head is all over the place.My life is chaotic, yet boring. I am losing my sense of purpose. I am losing motivation.
I tried the new medication. I’m not sure I like it. It helped with what it was intended to help with, but at the cost of a multitude of side effects. What is the point of ‘fixing’ one thing only to be presented with many more different issues?! Continue reading “I Am A Mess”
This is only one step on my journey with PMDD.
So, I’ve briefly blogged about PMDD before. I liken this time period to my inner dragon awakening. I recently visited my primary care physician for a regular check up and mentioned PMDD to him. He was educated on it, thankfully. Continue reading “Honestly, I’m Scared”