Hindsight is a special thing. You can look back and gain an understanding that can be used to better your future. When in the throes of chaos and passion, confusion and pain, things are blurry and hard to process.
But you get through it. Somehow, some way, you get through it. And when you’re on the other side you contemplate the lessons. Some of the toughest lessons to learn involve love and trust. Or, as hindsight can show, what ‘seems’ like love and trust.
I once knew a person who said, “It’s a hard road. You’re comfortable right now. He is familiar. That’s it. You know deep down you can’t get from him what you want or need but you hold onto hope that one day you will.” These were probably some of the only true words that person ever spoke. But it hits home to this day.
Hindsight has shown me that my understanding of love and trust has been skewed by trauma.
My version of love turns out to be unhealthy codependency, not love at all. My version of trust has never been balanced, steeped instead with guilt and shame, not trust at all.
I’ve spent plenty of time recently with hindsight. And I’m paying close attention to the lessons. I can thank those who have used and abused me for the lessons I now see with hindsight.
Those who have to live with themselves and the choices they’ve made. Those who have to close their eyes and find a way to sleep at night. Those who have to strike at others to feel good about themselves.
Those who will most likely never be happy or whole. Hindsight tells me that I’ve got what it takes to be happy and whole. I have love and trust for myself, and that’s a solid foundation.
Picture from: Bing Wright (demilked.com)
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