Throw Away The Key/ Part Three

An open letter to an abusive parent I am ready to let go of.

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To read Throw Away The Key/ Part One click here.

To read Throw Away The Key/ Part Two click here.

Dear Dad,

I’m writing to you, not to tell you that I still hate you, just to tell you how I feel. Things between us fell apart. Although, I’m not sure they ever were ‘together’ to begin with. I want to make it clear that I do not expect an appropriate, respectful response from you. I also want to make it clear that this letter is not intended to berate you, criticize you, or condemn you. This letter is for me.   Continue reading “Throw Away The Key/ Part Three”

Sometimes I Imagine…

… a life with only one of me. I’ve been living divided for so long. I don’t even know how many different me’s there are. It is as if every traumatic experience in life has ripped me apart to form a different version. As crazy as it sounds, it’s like my versions are contrasting. And it is confusing.

I’m sure most people have multiple versions of themselves, around different people, in different environments, etc. It seems to me that most people and all their versions coexist in harmony for the most part. The multiple versions of me coexist in chaos.

I’m doing my best to contain the chaos within myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone else with my indecisiveness and imbalance. It’s hard right now because I’m at war. I wonder how it would be to live at peace, with acceptance.

I wonder if I’m just chasing my own shadow.

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Picture From: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/540783867728733066/?lp=true

 

Feelin’ Some Type of Way

Tonight feels different. It’s not something I can adequately explain. It’s like a longing, but at the same time, a release. It’s like feeling homesick but having no idea where home is. It’s like a whisper floating through my energy, loud enough to be registered as a noise but quiet enough that I can’t quite make it out. It’s as if I am stuck at the same time as I am free-falling. This feeling is like finally finding answers that have been sought after for a long time only to discover those answers lead to more questions. It’s like Alice in Wonderland, falling down the rabbit hole and waking up some time later only to question what is actually reality. It’s a surreal sort of feeling, like knowing I am here and now, yet feeling as if I am misplaced.  It’s as if I am unable to decipher between the calm before the storm, the eye of the storm, and the destructive aftermath of the storm.

Perhaps this only means that I am the storm.

Picture From: http://artisttonigrote.blogspot.com/2011/04/

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Pause, Breathe, And Open Your Eyes

Tomorrow brings my time off work to an end. I could totally go on living daily life without work, however, responsibility (and bills) say its time to go back. It has been the longest and yet the shortest two weeks of my life. Continue reading “Pause, Breathe, And Open Your Eyes”

Infliction

The pulse through my skin entices me

With each beat of my heart

I’m sinking

The world blurs red

The burn snaps me back to reality

What is wrong with me?

There are no words to be said, no tears to be shed.

Pure agony.

A black depth where my heart should be

Each blood beaded line calls to me

This is true apathy

Is there any way out for me?

Picture from: https://www.smashingmagazine.com/2009/03/30-beautiful-surreal-and-dark-art-pictures/

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A Long Time Coming

When life is moving too fast, sometimes, letting off the gas is all the brakes you need. Progress is progress, no matter how slow. And sometimes, things get worse before they get better. It’s okay to end up taking steps backwards, as long as you keep pushing forwards anyways.  Continue reading “A Long Time Coming”

Throw Away The Key/ Part Two

Open Letter To An Abusive Parent

To read Throw Away The Key/ Part Oneclick here.

The following is a letter I had written to my dad when I was a teenager. I had put it in an envelope and sealed it with a stamp. Surprisingly this letter was never dated. I would approximate that I wrote it anywhere between ten and thirteen years ago. Also surprisingly, it is short and straight to the point.

I don’t know why I never gave it to him.  Maybe I was afraid? Maybe now it is a key to letting go of the past? Continue reading “Throw Away The Key/ Part Two”