They Say A Dad Is A Daughter’s First Love

But my dad was my first heartbeak instead.

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My head has been all over the place recently as have my emotions. Part of the reason why is because I am once again thinking of my childhood. I thought I had reached a good point of moving past my younger years only to realize that I am far from it.

I have been thinking about my father lately. I am in denial, in a way. I tell myself it does not matter that he gives no effort to reconcile or be in my life but the truth is it does matter because it still hurts. Continue reading “They Say A Dad Is A Daughter’s First Love”

I Am A Mess

So, I haven’t written anything in a while. My head is all over the place.My life is chaotic, yet boring. I am losing my sense of purpose. I am losing motivation.

I tried the new medication. I’m not sure I like it. It helped with what it was intended to help with, but at the cost of a multitude of side effects. What is the point of ‘fixing’ one thing only to be presented with many more different issues?! Continue reading “I Am A Mess”

Honestly, I’m Scared

This is only one step on my journey with PMDD.

So, I’ve briefly blogged about PMDD before. I liken this time period to my inner dragon awakening. I recently visited my primary care physician for a regular check up and mentioned PMDD to him. He was educated on it, thankfully. Continue reading “Honestly, I’m Scared”

I’m Not Here

The liquid slides down, burning as it goes. The smoke curls and twists in the air, slowly dissipating. The speakers bump loudly, matching my mood.

Thoughts are racing like a cloud of gnats, annoying and quick. Words are tumbling over each other, like pushy people in retail lines.

I’m ready to scream and punch, but remain frozen. There are so many questions running rampant in my mind, so many emotions storming through me.

I look back on this week and I wonder where I was. This floating feeling is making me sick.

I try to remain positive and strong. I try to hold on but I have no grip on anything.

This roller coaster must be broken and I’m tired of the ride. I’ve carried an elephant on my chest for far too long. I try to kick it off me, but anxiety is heavy. Fear is winning.

I’m still fighting, for me. But I grow weary.

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Picture From: http://interpersonal-compatibility.blogspot.com/2017/03/dissociation-defense-mechanism-disorder.html

Ascending From Slumber: Part One

Suddenly I am standing on the front porch of my nightmares, the door eerily still, wide open. I feel the walls close in on me as I look at that spot on the floor. The haunting shade of red draws me in as I recall being curled up on that floor, spitting blood and drowning in my tears. Continue reading “Ascending From Slumber: Part One”

Let Go

My mind is playing tricks on me

I miss you like a faded memory

I cannot recall.

 

My mind is playing tricks on me

I feel your touch like a ghost in the night

You are not there at all.

 

My mind is playing tricks on me

I hear your voice call my name like a whisper in the wind

I will not let you penetrate this wall.

 

My mind is playing tricks on me

I run away from you like a victim seeking safety

It is time for me to stand tall.

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Picture From: https://taystephens.wordpress.com/daily-thoughts/

Here We Go Again; PMDD

So, this blog will not be eloquent or properly written. Fair warning on cuss words too.

Over the summer, after an intense fight with my (now) ex, I googled “Why do I get so angry right before my period?”.  The results showed me a shit ton of links describing and relating to PMDD.

Don’t know what that is? Look it up. I really don’t feel like explaining it in ‘correct’ words or terms. Long story short, though, it’s ‘categorized’ as a mental illness (whatever!), and is also known as PMS on steroids.  Continue reading “Here We Go Again; PMDD”