Open Letter To An Abusive Parent
To read Throw Away The Key/ Part One, click here.
The following is a letter I had written to my dad when I was a teenager. I had put it in an envelope and sealed it with a stamp. Surprisingly this letter was never dated. I would approximate that I wrote it anywhere between ten and thirteen years ago. Also surprisingly, it is short and straight to the point.
I don’t know why I never gave it to him. Maybe I was afraid? Maybe now it is a key to letting go of the past? Continue reading “Throw Away The Key/ Part Two”
Sometimes it feels like my life is just one big fuck-up. Sometimes it feels like the voice in my head is against me. Sometimes I feel like there are two different people inside me.
Every month I transform into all the things I do not wish to be. I think all the thoughts I do not wish to think. I lose control of myself, seemingly. I’m trying to get ahead of this. I’m trying to move forward. I’m trying to let go of things. I’m trying to accept things as they are. Continue reading “Sometimes…”
But my dad was my first heartbeak instead.
My head has been all over the place recently as have my emotions. Part of the reason why is because I am once again thinking of my childhood. I thought I had reached a good point of moving past my younger years only to realize that I am far from it.
I have been thinking about my father lately. I am in denial, in a way. I tell myself it does not matter that he gives no effort to reconcile or be in my life but the truth is it does matter because it still hurts. Continue reading “They Say A Dad Is A Daughter’s First Love”
So, I haven’t written anything in a while. My head is all over the place.My life is chaotic, yet boring. I am losing my sense of purpose. I am losing motivation.
I tried the new medication. I’m not sure I like it. It helped with what it was intended to help with, but at the cost of a multitude of side effects. What is the point of ‘fixing’ one thing only to be presented with many more different issues?! Continue reading “I Am A Mess”
This is only one step on my journey with PMDD.
So, I’ve briefly blogged about PMDD before. I liken this time period to my inner dragon awakening. I recently visited my primary care physician for a regular check up and mentioned PMDD to him. He was educated on it, thankfully. Continue reading “Honestly, I’m Scared”
The liquid slides down, burning as it goes. The smoke curls and twists in the air, slowly dissipating. The speakers bump loudly, matching my mood.
Thoughts are racing like a cloud of gnats, annoying and quick. Words are tumbling over each other, like pushy people in retail lines.
I’m ready to scream and punch, but remain frozen. There are so many questions running rampant in my mind, so many emotions storming through me.
I look back on this week and I wonder where I was. This floating feeling is making me sick.
I try to remain positive and strong. I try to hold on but I have no grip on anything.
This roller coaster must be broken and I’m tired of the ride. I’ve carried an elephant on my chest for far too long. I try to kick it off me, but anxiety is heavy. Fear is winning.
I’m still fighting, for me. But I grow weary.
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Suddenly I am standing on the front porch of my nightmares, the door eerily still, wide open. I feel the walls close in on me as I look at that spot on the floor. The haunting shade of red draws me in as I recall being curled up on that floor, spitting blood and drowning in my tears. Continue reading “Ascending From Slumber: Part One”