Stop Knocking, I’m Not Coming To The Door

I know nothing of the stages of grief.

I know a little something about loss, though. Losing someone in your life who once was a lifeline of a sort can be very hard to overcome.

Losing the two people who raised you is a very large obstacle to move on from. Continue reading “Stop Knocking, I’m Not Coming To The Door”

I Don’t Even Know;

Too much or not enough?
Selfish or selfless?
Thoughtless or caring?
Fucked up or beat down?
Struggling and stressing or crazy and denying?
I don’t even know.
One step forward, two steps back.
Like father, like daughter? Like mother, like daughter?
Am I in a permanent state of dissociation?
Is this depression?
Am I dead inside?
Do I say something? Do I say nothing at all?
Am I feeling too much or am I apathetic?
I don’t even know.
I feel listless, purposeless, hopeless, restless.
I feel inadequate and confused.
Am I doing this for them or me?
I DON”T EVEN KNOW!!
Picture From: https://www.theodysseyonline.com/the-reality-of-self-harm

Heads or Tails: A Life Changing Decision

I realized today, while in psychic development class, that I am in a position where I have to make a decision. Making this decision calls in to question different beliefs that I have.

I believe people can and do change. The change may be subtle and quiet or it may be loud and totally noticeable. I am the type of person that goes with the flow. I avoid and hate conflict and criticism. This could be a strength at times and a weakness at others. Continue reading “Heads or Tails: A Life Changing Decision”

Mother’s Day: A Mom Can Dream, Right?

I hear little footsteps coming down the hall toward my bedroom. I hear excited whispers and joyous giggles. I roll over onto my back and attempt to stifle a yawn.

The kids are now right outside my bedroom door whispering amongst each other. I quickly close my eyes and pretend I’m still asleep. There is a tap on my shoulder. I peek my eyelid open just enough to see a tiny, messy hand. Continue reading “Mother’s Day: A Mom Can Dream, Right?”

MISSING: Extended Family

I walked into the living room to sit down with the kids and finish their movie before bedtime. They were watching Moana. The movie was at the part where Moana is urging the water to take back the heart of Te Fiti and choose someone else. The water swallows up the greenstone. After, Moana’s grandmother appears. They have a heart to heart with each other and Moana ends up diving for the heart so that she may complete her mission.

I watched this scene and I thought to myself, “How much of my life would be different if I had a relationship with either of my grandmothers?”. Continue reading “MISSING: Extended Family”

Letter To Someone I May Have To Let Go

What does your silence mean?

Dear xxx,

I’m writing because I have questions for you. You haven’t been in contact with me since that horrible day I needed you. An important person in my life took my secrets and truths and shared them with you. The presentation was horrific.

Our lives have always been unconventional, atypical.  Year after year, there was always a fortissimo of chaos. I went from innocence and ignorance to dissociation. Continue reading “Letter To Someone I May Have To Let Go”

Light or Dark, We Have Each Other

To the man who saw all of me, and loves me anyways, thank you.

Can you recall so long ago, the first time we met?

We started off on the right track, being friends first.

Mexican and margaritas was our thing. The first time we went out and shared a meal as friends, I opened my heart to you. That is very rare indeed. It is usually me hearing the problems, not me telling the problems.

I never felt judged by you. I never felt criticized by you. I felt comfortable to be who I was in the moment.

It is funny sometimes how things work out. Your life took a turn and a lot of things began to change for you. We would lose touch every couple months and then find each other again. Ours was a rare sort of friendship. Looking back now, I can see it was the beginning of a foundation. Continue reading “Light or Dark, We Have Each Other”