Duty Calls

There is no more time for emotions and feelings and things deep in the mind. There is no more time for mental breakdowns or self care. There is no more time for seeking and questioning and all that other bullshit.

It’s time to be an adult. A responsible adult. Continue reading “Duty Calls”

Don’t Mind Me

Something is wrong. I cannot find joy or peace or relief, and when I do, it’s hard to believe in it.

I type an entire page with words. And then I delete the whole thing. Because I don’t feel like it matters anyways.

Continue reading “Don’t Mind Me”

She Burns

The pain ignites setting ablaze my insides

There is fire in my eyes and I breath flames

I hug my knees to my chest, just say goodbye

This inferno won’t be tamed, I can’t be saved

Night becomes day and still I rage

There is so much hurt in my heart and a lot of shit to say

But these words are locked in a cage

No key, only a strong breeze fueling this bad energy

I love you, I hate you, come here, leave me be!

I’m struggling and stressing, trying to learn this lesson

Faith and hope are slipping, the light is missing

I’m running and hiding and fighting and dying

I’m burning and crying, I’m blind but I’m trying

I’m choking on smoke and bleeding from the fire, I’m tired.

So tired.

Picture From: https://www.pinterest.com/arrantzy/the-girl-on-fire/

Anger Has Arrived

I haven’t been myself lately. But then again, who am I anyways?

This year has been hell from the very start. It’s been almost a month since I’ve processed any feelings. I’ve been walking around apathetic with bursts here and there of emotion. But that is all beginning to end and the feelings are coming at me strong.

Right now, I am angry. Fuck being tired and sad. Fuck being misunderstood. Fuck being used and judged. Fuck being walked all over and then forgotten. Continue reading “Anger Has Arrived”

Sunshine And Rainbows

What do you do when you have no desire to do anything?

What is the point of waking up to an alarm every day only to get up and get dressed and get in the car to drive to work? Yeah, I know, there are bills to pay and responsibilities to take care of. But what is the point?

I get into a car I don’t want, because it is necessary to get to work.

I go to a job I do not like, because it is necessary to pay the bills.

And it is an endless cycle. Continue reading “Sunshine And Rainbows”

I’m So Tired Of Running

I’ve spent my life running. Mostly running away. Sometimes running towards something. When my anxiety spikes and that fight-or-flight mode kicks in, I run. When things are going great and there is something to work towards, I run.

It’s good and bad. Lately, it’s been bad. I’ve spent the last two weeks running from myself. Continue reading “I’m So Tired Of Running”

I’m Lost And It Kills Me

My life changed last week. Just one week ago.

I have shut down. I am avoiding everything. I know I am. But I’m not ready to face it. I’m not ready to feel it. And this is stupid.

I know what the damage is when I avoid things and block them out and shut down.  And I can tell that the breakdown is bursting at my seams.

It’s going to happen, willy-nilly. (btw, will-nilly means ‘whether you like it or not’…ain’t that right bro?) Continue reading “I’m Lost And It Kills Me”