But my dad was my first heartbeak instead.
My head has been all over the place recently as have my emotions. Part of the reason why is because I am once again thinking of my childhood. I thought I had reached a good point of moving past my younger years only to realize that I am far from it.
I have been thinking about my father lately. I am in denial, in a way. I tell myself it does not matter that he gives no effort to reconcile or be in my life but the truth is it does matter because it still hurts. Continue reading “They Say A Dad Is A Daughter’s First Love”
Suddenly I am standing on the front porch of my nightmares, the door eerily still, wide open. I feel the walls close in on me as I look at that spot on the floor. The haunting shade of red draws me in as I recall being curled up on that floor, spitting blood and drowning in my tears. Continue reading “Ascending From Slumber: Part One”
Here goes another trip to the past.
-When my siblings and I were younger, living in the same house with both mom and dad, we used to have a tape recorder. It was what was considered micro back then and it was silver.
The only reason we had this tape recorder was for evidence. We would record our parent’s fights. Continue reading “A Walk Down Memory Lane”
I realized today, while in psychic development class, that I am in a position where I have to make a decision. Making this decision calls in to question different beliefs that I have.
I believe people can and do change. The change may be subtle and quiet or it may be loud and totally noticeable. I am the type of person that goes with the flow. I avoid and hate conflict and criticism. This could be a strength at times and a weakness at others. Continue reading “Heads or Tails: A Life Changing Decision”
I walked into the living room to sit down with the kids and finish their movie before bedtime. They were watching Moana. The movie was at the part where Moana is urging the water to take back the heart of Te Fiti and choose someone else. The water swallows up the greenstone. After, Moana’s grandmother appears. They have a heart to heart with each other and Moana ends up diving for the heart so that she may complete her mission.
I watched this scene and I thought to myself, “How much of my life would be different if I had a relationship with either of my grandmothers?”. Continue reading “MISSING: Extended Family”
My heartbeat seems to be taking shorter beats, closer together. I’m freezing, it’s so cold in here. I’m sweating, it’s so stuffy in here. There’s a tunnel in my throat and it’s collapsing. My breath struggles to make it past the boulders in my throat.
My stomach seizes so tight I almost believe it is shriveling to nothing. I cannot stop trembling. I swear my heart is about to leap out of my throat and I’ll be gone from this world. I cannot see clearly for the tears are streams and I’m drowning.
I cannot seem to make myself any smaller. It isn’t dark enough in here. I pile on the jackets and the blankets. I cannot sit still. I need to go. I need to move. I get dressed. I pace. I am thinking so fast I cannot grasp reality.
I sit down and try to count my breaths. I can’t seem to finish one breath before another is demanding it’s turn. Where am I? Continue reading “Panic, Whispers, And Ghosts”
Remember the innocence of being a child? Reveling in the sunshine? The slides and swings of huge playgrounds? The endless laughter? The comfort of home? The love and support of two caring and kind parents?
I don’t. Continue reading “Remember When: Words From Childhood”