Abuse is a very sensitive subject. It’s an extremely personal experience, one that no one signs up for because they want to be abused. It has a lasting effect, in the moment and afterwards. The recovery from abuse is also extremely personal, and not something I’m sure is ever fully recovered from.
Abuse happened to me. I am thankful to say that I realized it was happening to me before it killed me. Not everyone makes it to that point. I went through years of therapy and tears. I struggled for a long time to get to where I am today. These days I am thankful for everything that I went through. I am beyond thankful to be living the life I am living, with the people who are in it.
I spent five years with a ‘man’ who abused me. It was not always physical abuse. It was not always bad days and horrible experiences. I do not have just one reason why I stayed for so long. But I am at the point in my healing that I realize the reasons why I stayed are no longer as important as my decision to leave was.
I left. I finally left and it is one of the best things I have ever done for myself. It is not easy to speak about such things with other people. It takes a certain strength to share such experiences. I’ve had to be strong many times in my life but leaving that abuse made me stronger. Speaking about the trauma is a part of the healing that comes in spurts, only here and there as time moves forward. However, it is definitely a necessary part of the healing process.
I say all that to say this: I’ve decided to share some of my experiences. It’s a very emotional decision I have made, however, if it can help even just one person to leave the abuse happening to them, it is worth it. This series is going to be hard to read, especially if you can relate. This is the trigger warning for any and all kinds of abuse. Continue reading with that in mind.
To end this blog, I’m going to share an email that I typed and sent to my abuser. It was my first experience being hit by someone who claimed to love me, someone I chose to have in my life. Looking back now, abuse had already found a home in that relationship but the incident that occurred and resulted in this email was the start of the physical abuse. It was the start of my lies to those closest to me, the support system who stuck with me and eventually helped me leave. This email is my cover-up to an extremely traumatic experience. It is an insight to the mind of a person being exposed to manipulation and gaslighting.
The year was 2016. It was Saturday night, the second weekend of June. He and I had recently been fighting and long story short, he punched me in the face and broke my jaw. And I didn’t tell anyone the truth about that for years.
FYI: Everything has been copied and pasted, please excuse the typos. The only edits are to names and contact info.
- From: Krystal B <x.xxxxxxx89@yahoo.com>
Date: June 13, 2016 at 7:07:02 AM EDT
To: Sxxxxx Xxxxxx <x78xxxxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: so…
ok..so this is awkward. but… i have a story for this- for outsiders. for the kids.for my boss/work. Xxxxx asked me yesterday why my tooth was hurting and i told her well…its embarassing to say why. i asked her if she knew what i meant when i said adult drink..and she shook her head yes. and isaid well i had an adult drink last night and had too much of it. and…i wasnt paying enough attention to what i was doing and my surroundings and id had a pretty bad day so i was angry. and i tripped or tangled up or something and went into your laptop table. with the long pole that sticks up. i told her i hit that pole just right and my mouth was open when it happened and my jaw snapped shut and made my teeth clink together. and when my teeth clinked togeher with force that it chipped my tooth and bruised my gums. from punching the wall i screwed up my hand/knuckle and im sure my boss will ask me about it and i havent decided what to say about that. i think im just going to say the truth and say i punched the wall out of anger. i had a lot of reasons to be angry saturday. but i told Xxxxx that i made a mistake saturday, an embarassing mistake, by letting my anger and emotions dictate how much i drank and my reaction to ‘tripping into the table’ she looked at me like i was lying and she said ‘how did you trip into the table? you had to have been sitting down or something’ and i said ‘why?’ and she said well because the table is low so how would you hit your head? and i said ‘babe if you go look at the table that pole goes all the way up past the surface of the table and its perfect height for my face to crash into.’ i also told her that because i consumed enough of the adult drink in a short period of time that i dont really recall EXACTLY what happened. when i discuss the possibilites of oral surgery with my boss im going to make sure and say that you didnt come home from that plumbing job until right before midnight and that this happened before you got home. im sure this is hard for you to swallow. its very, very hard for me to swallow. but, you and i will work through this. and it will make us stronger. i haven’t had many emotions/feelings since saturdaynight/sunday morning. i havent had many thoughts about the incident. i know we both played our parts in the whole thing. and i know we both made mistakes and its embarassing and shameful. but love encompasses all emotions and feelings. and if we have the love i thought we had…we WILL find a way to work through this. id been reading these books…probably correctly filed under ‘relationship help’ and i came across some bullet points that resonated with me and i was compelled to write them down a couple weeks ago…. im going to type them here for you to read: - ~ Expressing the change you desire to see without attaching a time limit
- ~ Showing appreciation for the slightest move toward change
- ~ Showing acceptance and love regardless of change
Alot of people will read this blog post and say, ‘I would have left right then and there.’ Good for those people. I was not one of those people. My life up to that point was traumatic in its own right. I had always been surviving. I was always ashamed of needing or wanting anything, even basic human decency. My childhood was not a pretty one. I’m sure that is part of why I stayed for so long. But this incident is only the start of the physical abuse. Those broken bones and bruises have since healed. The damage to my mental and emotional well-being took a much harder hit than a broken jawbone. Stay tuned for more.
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picture taken from: https://slate.com/human-interest/2015/07/free-legal-representation-for-domestic-violence-victims-level-ground-for-survivors-and-their-batterers.html
Ehh, whatever! 