I Am A Warrior

Note to Self

Advertisements

Girl, you’ve had it rough.

No, stop! Don’t downplay what you have been through, the things you have experienced.

You feel like you have lived a million lives in one lifetime and you’re still young.

You’ve been abused, used, and confused.

You’ve sped through the years on the back-burner because that is what you do to survive. Continue reading “I Am A Warrior”

Panic, Whispers, And Ghosts

My heartbeat seems to be taking shorter beats, closer together. I’m freezing, it’s so cold in here. I’m sweating, it’s so stuffy in here. There’s a tunnel in my throat and it’s collapsing. My breath struggles to make it past the boulders in my throat.

My stomach seizes so tight I almost believe it is shriveling to nothing. I cannot stop trembling. I swear my heart is about to leap out of my throat and I’ll be gone from this world. I cannot see clearly for the tears are streams and I’m drowning.

I cannot seem to make myself any smaller. It isn’t dark enough in here. I pile on the jackets and the blankets. I cannot sit still. I need to go. I need to move. I get dressed. I pace. I am thinking so fast I cannot grasp reality.

I sit down and try to count my breaths. I can’t seem to finish one breath before another is demanding it’s turn. Where am I? Continue reading “Panic, Whispers, And Ghosts”

Your Addiction Has An Audience

Addiction: compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (such as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly :  persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful

I have been surrounded by addicts my entire life. My dad was an alcoholic. My ex-husband was an addict of many different vices easily summed up in one word: drugs.I escaped my childhood. I divorced my husband. I am not an addict myself, yet I had high hopes to put addiction behind me only to learn one of my sisters and one of my brothers had become an addict as well.

I wonder if an addict ever thinks of their loved ones when picking up their vice again? Addiction has a trickle down and ripple effect. While you may be the one with the actual problem, those who love you dearly are affected emotionally and mentally. Continue reading “Your Addiction Has An Audience”

Remember When: Words From Childhood

Remember the innocence of being a child? Reveling in the sunshine? The slides and swings of huge playgrounds? The endless laughter? The comfort of home? The love and support of two caring and kind parents?

I don’t. Continue reading “Remember When: Words From Childhood”

Letters From Home: Dear Sister

May 20, xxxx

Sis,

hey. the army- wow. well you’re going to miss my graduation. I really wish you could be there, because well our father says he doesn’t see the big deal. I really want you there, i need you there. I wish you weren’t going this summer, because well it’s my last summer before college. I hope you come back before I leave. If not, it will be… who knows how long before I see you again. Continue reading “Letters From Home: Dear Sister”

Surrounded with Sound

Music speaks to my soul. It sets me free. It calms me down. It pumps me up. It makes me wonder. It makes me think. It makes me feel. Music is a part of me.

Music has pulled me out of many dark places. Music has encouraged me to face my fears. Music has comforted me. Music has cheered me on. Music has helped me meditate. Music has helped me plan and process.

I find it very hard to have favorites, of anything. I do not have a favorite color, book, or movie. I do not have a favorite genre, type, or style. But there is one song I will always come back to: Continue reading “Surrounded with Sound”

You Wouldn’t Quit Your Addiction, So I Had To Quit You

I finally realized it was you all along. You couldn’t say no to drugs. You couldn’t tell me the truth. You couldn’t put your family first. I gave and gave and gave until I had nearly nothing left.

I hit rock bottom. And when I did I realized I couldn’t fix you I realized what we had was not love. We wouldn’t make it. I refused to be the other woman, coming in second to drugs. Continue reading “You Wouldn’t Quit Your Addiction, So I Had To Quit You”