Sunshine And Rainbows

What do you do when you have no desire to do anything?

What is the point of waking up to an alarm every day only to get up and get dressed and get in the car to drive to work? Yeah, I know, there are bills to pay and responsibilities to take care of. But what is the point?

I get into a car I don’t want, because it is necessary to get to work.

I go to a job I do not like, because it is necessary to pay the bills.

And it is an endless cycle. Continue reading “Sunshine And Rainbows”

I’m So Tired Of Running

I’ve spent my life running. Mostly running away. Sometimes running towards something. When my anxiety spikes and that fight-or-flight mode kicks in, I run. When things are going great and there is something to work towards, I run.

It’s good and bad. Lately, it’s been bad. I’ve spent the last two weeks running from myself. Continue reading “I’m So Tired Of Running”

I’m Lost And It Kills Me

My life changed last week. Just one week ago.

I have shut down. I am avoiding everything. I know I am. But I’m not ready to face it. I’m not ready to feel it. And this is stupid.

I know what the damage is when I avoid things and block them out and shut down.  And I can tell that the breakdown is bursting at my seams.

It’s going to happen, willy-nilly. (btw, will-nilly means ‘whether you like it or not’…ain’t that right bro?) Continue reading “I’m Lost And It Kills Me”

Words From An Awakening

Written by a man with a bleeding heart.

A walk through ‘our’ home;

My eyes open and I look to my right. Strands of your hair rest gently on an undisturbed pillow atop neatly tucked covers. I look around the room and all I see is you. Your things on the dresser,  shoe on the floor here, it’s partner over there. But you’re not there. 

I feel a void in my chest. I know I just took a breath but my lungs feel empty.

Continue reading “Words From An Awakening”

It’s Better Off This Way;

Using words as a form of expression; a creative outlet.

I wake up everyday feeling dead inside // Am I dead or am I dying // I’m always running and hiding // I’m always searching and seeking, questioning and weaving // Why is everyone always leaving? 

How do I fix this? How do I not miss? I’m so sick of this shit.

Head, heart, life’s a mess // cant get away from this stress // I’m so fucking depressed // Been feeling so tired, so wired, so numb // turning to the bottle and dealing with less.

Can’t give up, can’t quit- but I don’t want to wake up// it’s so hard to give a fuck.

Between a cliff and a blade’s edge, a rock and a hard place // which way to go // I don’t know, I don’t know… I DON’T KNOW. 

Feeling too much and falling too deep // losing piece after piece that I’m trying to keep // I need sleep.

Trying to hunt down my demons but feeling like prey // world on my shoulders, I am not okay // Red falling like rain in the cold light of day // will you miss me when i’m gone // it’s better off this way.

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A Walk Down Memory Lane

Here goes another trip to the past.

-When my siblings and I were younger, living in the same house with both mom and dad, we used to have a tape recorder. It was what was considered micro back then and it was silver.

The only reason we had this tape recorder was for evidence. We would record our parent’s fights. Continue reading “A Walk Down Memory Lane”