Sunshine And Rainbows

What do you do when you have no desire to do anything?

What is the point of waking up to an alarm every day only to get up and get dressed and get in the car to drive to work? Yeah, I know, there are bills to pay and responsibilities to take care of. But what is the point?

I get into a car I don’t want, because it is necessary to get to work.

I go to a job I do not like, because it is necessary to pay the bills.

And it is an endless cycle. Continue reading “Sunshine And Rainbows”

A Walk Down Memory Lane

Here goes another trip to the past.

-When my siblings and I were younger, living in the same house with both mom and dad, we used to have a tape recorder. It was what was considered micro back then and it was silver.

The only reason we had this tape recorder was for evidence. We would record our parent’s fights. Continue reading “A Walk Down Memory Lane”

Heads or Tails: A Life Changing Decision

I realized today, while in psychic development class, that I am in a position where I have to make a decision. Making this decision calls in to question different beliefs that I have.

I believe people can and do change. The change may be subtle and quiet or it may be loud and totally noticeable. I am the type of person that goes with the flow. I avoid and hate conflict and criticism. This could be a strength at times and a weakness at others. Continue reading “Heads or Tails: A Life Changing Decision”

MISSING: Extended Family

I walked into the living room to sit down with the kids and finish their movie before bedtime. They were watching Moana. The movie was at the part where Moana is urging the water to take back the heart of Te Fiti and choose someone else. The water swallows up the greenstone. After, Moana’s grandmother appears. They have a heart to heart with each other and Moana ends up diving for the heart so that she may complete her mission.

I watched this scene and I thought to myself, “How much of my life would be different if I had a relationship with either of my grandmothers?”. Continue reading “MISSING: Extended Family”

Letter To Someone I May Have To Let Go

What does your silence mean?

Dear xxx,

I’m writing because I have questions for you. You haven’t been in contact with me since that horrible day I needed you. An important person in my life took my secrets and truths and shared them with you. The presentation was horrific.

Our lives have always been unconventional, atypical.  Year after year, there was always a fortissimo of chaos. I went from innocence and ignorance to dissociation. Continue reading “Letter To Someone I May Have To Let Go”

Panic, Whispers, and Ghosts

My heartbeat seems to be taking shorter beats, closer together. I’m freezing, it’s so cold in here. I’m sweating, it’s so stuffy in here. There’s a tunnel in my throat and it’s collapsing. My breath struggles to make it past the boulders in my throat.

My stomach seizes so tight I almost believe it is shriveling to nothing. I cannot stop trembling. I swear my heart is about to leap out of my throat and I’ll be gone from this world. I cannot see clearly for the tears are streams and I’m drowning.

I cannot seem to make myself any smaller. It isn’t dark enough in here. I pile on the jackets and the blankets. I cannot sit still. I need to go. I need to move. I get dressed. I pace. I am thinking so fast I cannot grasp reality.

I sit down and try to count my breaths. I can’t seem to finish one breath before another is demanding it’s turn. Where am I? Continue reading “Panic, Whispers, and Ghosts”

Remember When: Words From Childhood

Remember the innocence of being a child? Reveling in the sunshine? The slides and swings of huge playgrounds? The endless laughter? The comfort of home? The love and support of two caring and kind parents?

I don’t. Continue reading “Remember When: Words From Childhood”