Sometimes it feels like my life is just one big fuck-up. Sometimes it feels like the voice in my head is against me. Sometimes I feel like there are two different people inside me.
Every month I transform into all the things I do not wish to be. I think all the thoughts I do not wish to think. I lose control of myself, seemingly. I’m trying to get ahead of this. I’m trying to move forward. I’m trying to let go of things. I’m trying to accept things as they are.
But that doesn’t mean it is easy. I constantly feel defeated and worthless. I constantly feel like I don’t deserve to be happy and I don’t deserve good things. I feel this way mostly because my bad days rule everything.
Anything that happens when the dragon comes out is bad. But what makes it worse is when the dragon is sleeping again and I have to spend my ‘good days’ making up for the bad days.
I find myself fearful of feeling good. It feels like anytime I make progress at something in life, on my good days, all that progress is lost when the dragon reemerges. It is a reoccurring process. I feel defeated.
I started medication to help with this almost two months ago. I don’t like the medication. It helps somewhat. It comes with side effects of course. But I feel like medication is the easy way out. I don’t feel like it is the solution.
I’m so tired of constantly feeling wrong for my thoughts and emotions. I’m so tired of this endless battle with myself. I’m so tired of feeling broken and misunderstood. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere, whether it is a good day or a bad day.
Sometimes I feel like I will never find answers or solutions. Sometimes I feel like things will never make sense and never get better. Sometimes I feel like giving up.
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