So, I haven’t written anything in a while. My head is all over the place.My life is chaotic, yet boring. I am losing my sense of purpose. I am losing motivation.
I tried the new medication. I’m not sure I like it. It helped with what it was intended to help with, but at the cost of a multitude of side effects. What is the point of ‘fixing’ one thing only to be presented with many more different issues?!
I realized the other day that I am just floating through life. I have no goals. I’m trying to find balance but everything is getting away from me. My thoughts go way too deep lately. I have no idea how to express this. I have no idea how to get to a solution. Am I making too much of things?
I am finding it harder to converse with people. I am finding it harder to be social. I am finding it harder to get up every day and take care of my responsibilities.
I am finding it harder to survive. You know, the basic necessities of life. I struggle to sleep. I get sick when I eat. Showering is a nuisance.
I have not read my cards in a while. Clearly, I am struggling to write. I break out in tears more than I would care to admit. I am reverting to old coping mechanisms. I know I am behaving unhealthily but knowing this does not help.
I feel like I run in circles. I am constantly revisiting the same shit.
I think I let go of something, forgive someone, and move on. Then I am triggered somehow and I am brought right back around to the same thing, same persons, and I realize I have not let go, forgiven, or moved on.
I am not understood. I am incapable of explaining myself in a way that makes sense, to seemingly anyone. It all makes sense in my head but when the words come out of my mouth, it is all jumbled up and confusing.
I have always felt like an outsider. I am mostly used to it. Recently, though, it has been hard to deal with. I have never felt so isolated before. I feel like I do not belong here, in this place, in this time.
There has to be a reason, a purpose, for why I am here. There has to be. Right?
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