What do you do when you have no desire to do anything?
What is the point of waking up to an alarm every day only to get up and get dressed and get in the car to drive to work? Yeah, I know, there are bills to pay and responsibilities to take care of. But what is the point?
I get into a car I don’t want, because it is necessary to get to work.
I go to a job I do not like, because it is necessary to pay the bills.
And it is an endless cycle.
I’m tired. Of everything. Of everyone. Especially of myself.
I fight the same battle every day. I push myself to simply get up and get dressed and go to work. Then when I get to work I push myself to actually perform the tasks I get paid to perform.
When I get home, I push myself to keep it together in front of the kids. I push myself to get them their snack and drink and start dinner. I push myself to keep the house together as best I can.
I push myself to stay awake longer than I would like because there are things to talk about and figure out and as a parent, after bedtime is the only good time to talk without interruptions.
I’m tired of seeing so many layers to everything. I’m tired of feeling everything so deeply. I’m tired of questions and answers. I’m tired of talking and feeling. I’m tired.
I have lived my life as if it were a war. In all honesty, the label is fitting. There have been many battles throughout my life, some in my control and some out of my control. I have lived my life in a constant state of fight-or-flight. I have lived my life as a paradox. I have lived my life picking up pieces of others, changing myself for acceptance or to avoid conflict, building walls, and layering myself.
Since I began waking up last year and started attending counseling and began working on taking control of my life and relinquishing the hold of the past, I have to work backwards almost, peeling back the layers and knocking down the walls. I am always under construction. I am so tired of it all though and just wish to abandon it and take rest. But how?
The why’s and the how’s really trip me up. It is so easy for me to listen to someone else and be there for others and help them. Why is it so hard to turn those good things on myself? Why is it so hard to ask for help?
Why is it so hard for me to live on the surface? Why can’t I find joy or happiness or pleasure in fashion, celebrities, and television? Why can’t I carry on conversations about the weather and sports and the latest drama in those cheap gossip magazines?
Why must I be socially anxious and awkward yet crave to be accepted as part of the crowd? Why must I always be seeking deeper meanings? Why must I always care so much? Why do I always have something to say yet don’t end up saying anything because I don’t feel it is important? Why must I feel these things, yet don’t really feel anything? Why do I want to let it out, but never do because I don’t want to burden anyone?
When I feel a moment of good, why do I fear it and feel it is undeserved?
Why couldn’t my life be sunshine and rainbows? Why couldn’t I have had a solid upbringing? Why wasn’t I taught as a child that self-love and self-care are important and it doesn’t make you selfish? Why wasn’t I ever shown that I have worth? And why do I struggle to find and believe it for myself now that I am an adult?
How do I find the answers? How do I accept the answers? How do I get past this? How do I feel comfortable, content, and positive?
How do I continue to wake up every day when I just want to stay in bed, asleep and hiding?
How do I continue my existence when it doesn’t fit me anymore?