My life changed last week. Just one week ago.
I have shut down. I am avoiding everything. I know I am. But I’m not ready to face it. I’m not ready to feel it. And this is stupid.
I know what the damage is when I avoid things and block them out and shut down. And I can tell that the breakdown is bursting at my seams.
It’s going to happen, willy-nilly. (btw, will-nilly means ‘whether you like it or not’…ain’t that right bro?)
Beginning of last week, my head was clear. I was calm. I was patient. I was quiet and reserved, but I felt pretty good considering my unexpected circumstances. Now here I am purposefully repressing this shit because I know it’s huge. It’s messy. It’s fucked up. It’s going to hurt.
It already hurts. It is so hard to fathom that this is really my life. To think how ‘normal’ things were before. The routine and consistency that was in place, we just didn’t see it. To want so badly to erase time, but knowing that this lesson has come for a reason.
I’m just not interested in learning it right now. I’m scared. I’m fucking terrified.
My anxiety has switched up from whispering in my ear to shouting at me. I’m hypersensitive. I’m overstimulated. I’m restless. I’m so fucking tired.
My mind flits from topic to topic, issue to issue, question to question. Every thought is incomplete. I’m dropping shit, forgetting shit. I’m irritated as all hell. I am running so hard from feeling vulnerable.
I don’t know how to get these feelings out in a positive, efficient way. I don’t want the feelings. I want to wake up and be back to before. I feel like I have been catapulted to an old me, with the walls up and the feelings thrown out, buried deep.
I know it isn’t healthy. I just need more time. I need more time with less thinking and questioning and wondering and feeling and confusion and pain. But the breakdown is coming. I can feel that for damn sure.
I still got some fight in me. I’m fighting for myself not to fall down that black hole, with thoughts of lines in my skin and alcohol in my blood. I’m fighting to make sense of this hole in my heart.
I’m fighting with myself too. I’m at war with avoiding versus admitting this is real.
“Waves come crashing over me but I just watch ‘em/ I just watch ‘em/ I’m under water but I feel like I’m on top of it/ I’m at the bottom and I don’t know what the problem is/ I’m in a box but I’m the one who locked me in/ Suffocating and I’m running out of oxygen/ I’m paralyzed, where are my feelings?” Paralyzed by NF