Aunt Flo is here. Mother Nature is calling. It’s Shark Week! I’m raggin’.
Whatever the hell you want to call that ridiculous and annoying time of the month, the menstrual cycle. I’m fed up with with being a woman right now and thought it would help to compile a small list of some of the things I hate, with a passion, during this time.
Be mindful of the language, my hormones are raging after all.
- The Bloat
Yeah, suddenly pants are a bit too tight and my stomach gets round and pouty. Fucking muffin top accompanies my period! Forget any thoughts of eating right or attempting exercise. Nope, instead I’ll just pick at the new found flab of the month and feel disgusted.
- The Acne
OMG! The little red bumps from hell. They can pop up literally anywhere. Face, neck, back, legs, fucking anywhere. I miss when my skin would get complimented from anyone for being so smooth and clear. Becoming a woman fucked that up for me. I get monthly visits from the Acne Fairy to accompany my woman parts’ monthly cleanse.
- The Mood Swings
Buckle up, dude, cause my bitch switch has been flipped. I hate your guts for not doing something you should have read my mind and known to do!! Oh but wait, baby, I love you so much, you’re such a fucking sweetheart! Fuck you hormones.
- The Yuck Factor
OMG. Can my period make up its mind? You going to flow heavy and spring a leak this time? Or you going to trickle and torture me? Seriously, the changes in flow are so fucking annoying. Let’s not forget the smell. Ugh. And to the women who can say, ‘Oh I get my period like clockwork. 4 days of light bleeding and some cramping and its over with. I can always count on it to come on time.’… shut the fuck up.
- The Products
Seriously? There is an entire aisle devoted to period products for women. I hate them all. I have switched and tried so many different liners, pads, and tampons. I HATE THEM ALL. Pads don’t breathe. Liners don’t cover. And tampons won’t be still. Let’s not even dive into what chemicals and shit they make these things with.
- The Cramps
Dude, for real. Why don’t you just kick me square in the gut a couple hundred times? Or better yet, knife me! These cramps are killer. I’d almost prefer child labor to my excruciating period cramps. Not to mention cramps get a lot of shit moving, literally. GROSS!
- The Exhaustion
I don’t know about you but I get dead tired a little before, and during, my period. Like, I could fall asleep anywhere, probably even in the middle of a sentence. Maybe it’s anemia from so much fucking blood loss?!! Periods suck!
- The Panties
This may be just me, but, when flo comes knocking, I have to dig in the drawer for some panties. I hate wearing panties, too much moisture, so much constriction. Ugh. So, make me bleed, make me hurt, then make me wear panties. Fuck off.
- The Surprise Flo
So, you think your period is over right? NOPE! Flo surprises you with a couple days of spotting. She just couldn’t leave well enough alone! Drip, drip!
- The Men
They never understand. ‘Why are you so bitchy?’ WHAT?! Did you just call me a bitch? DO YOU NOT KNOW I’M BLEEDING DEVIL JUICE FROM MY BIRTHING HOLE?! I will kill you. Don’t tell me my period is not a valid reason. It is not an excuse. It is out of my control. Don’t judge or comment on something you don’t understand. And don’t look at me like I’m an alien when I bitch about my flo.
Women are strong and smart and all that but, for real, why do we have to have menstrual cycles?! I was once asked what I would choose if I had a choice between monthly visits from the Red Devil or 4 hours of active labor-like symptoms once a month. I know damn well I would choose those 4 hours in a heartbeat!!
To wrap it up, periods SUCK!!
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Picture from: https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/07/claiming-our-power-to-end-the-shame-of-bleeding-period-photography-series-the-picture-instagram-wouldnt-allow/