Life is so hard lately. Even the little things seem tremendous. I’ve been learning so much about self-care these last few months. I feel like I am being tested. I feel like I am failing miserably.
There is so much turmoil and emotion swirling around in my head. There is so much uncertainty surrounding me. I used to have at least one foot on the ground. Now I’m struggling to make sense of where it all went so terribly wrong. This is not the path I envisioned.
The dark thoughts popping in to my head recently are trying to pull me back under. I will not give in. I will fight. It’s just so hard sometimes. I find myself wishing for apathy in all aspects. I find myself hoping to be strong enough to feel these things.
I am a walking contradiction in life. I am barely understood by those closest in my life. I am aware that things are changing. I know some things need to change. I just do not know how to balance it all. So I find myself asking ‘How do I get to the other side of this shit storm?’. I find myself asking ‘How did I let it get this far?’. I find myself asking ‘Why did I not see this sooner?’. I wonder if I am indeed cursed with feelings. So many feelings.
I find myself wishing I could create a switch in my head. Turn it on to feel and turn it off to process. I am at war with myself. I find myself unable to face the mirror one minute and ready to break it apart and seize the day the next minute. I find myself wanting to go home. But where is home? Who is home?
I find myself recalling distant, hazy memories. I find myself recognizing destructive patterns. I find myself feeling comfort in those patterns. I am at war with myself. How do I get to the other side? Today I have no answers. Today I want to wave the white flag. I want to throw in the towel. I want to turn that switch off.
When in battle with the darkest parts of yourself, how do you get to the other side?
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Photo taken from: http://modernlensmagazine.com/are-you-interested-in-storm-photography-but-not-sure-where-to-start/