How Do You Get To The Other Side?

I am my own worst enemy.

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Life is so hard lately. Even the little things seem tremendous. I’ve been learning so much about self-care these last few months. I feel like I am being tested. I feel like I am failing miserably.

There is so much turmoil and emotion swirling around in my head. There is so much uncertainty surrounding me. I used to have at least one foot on the ground. Now I’m struggling to make sense of where it all went so terribly wrong. This is not the path I envisioned.

The dark thoughts popping in to my head recently are trying to pull me back under. I will not give in. I will fight. It’s just so hard sometimes. I find myself wishing for apathy in all aspects. I find myself hoping to be strong enough to feel these things.

I am a walking contradiction in life. I am barely understood by those closest in my life. I am aware that things are changing. I know some things need to change. I just do not know how to balance it all. So I find myself asking ‘How do I get to the other side of this shit storm?’. I find myself asking ‘How did I let it  get this far?’. I find myself asking ‘Why did I not see this sooner?’. I wonder if I am indeed cursed with feelings. So many feelings.

I find myself wishing I could create a switch in my head. Turn it on to feel and turn it off to process. I am at war with myself. I find myself unable to face the mirror one minute and ready to break it apart and seize the day the next minute. I find myself wanting to go home. But where is home? Who is home?

I find myself recalling distant, hazy memories. I find myself recognizing destructive patterns. I find myself feeling comfort in those patterns. I am at war with myself. How do I get to the other side? Today I have no answers. Today I want to wave the white flag. I want to throw in the towel. I want to turn that switch off.

When in battle with the darkest parts of yourself, how do you get to the other side?

For more, follow me on Facebook at Ehh, whatever!  

Photo taken from: http://modernlensmagazine.com/are-you-interested-in-storm-photography-but-not-sure-where-to-start/

Author: Krystal Joy

Just a mom of many forging my way in this world seeking balance. Peace/Love/Happiness.

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